Detective Nightmare
by Selim
Summary: Heiji’s been asked to proxy in as Conan’s guardian for open house, but it becomes apparent that it’s going to be anything but easy.


A Detective Nightmare  
**By**: Selim  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own Detective Conan  
**Summary**: Heiji's been asked to proxy in as Conan's guardian for open house, but it becomes apparent that it's going to be anything but easy.

* * *

It had been years since Heiji had stepped into an elementary school. Children were...short. He tried to squeeze himself into a desk with the designated name plate of _Edogawa Conan_, only to find himself cramped and irritable just like all the others in the room. To be honest, he felt very out of place. Most of the people in this room were parents and here he was with no blood relation to Conan, though he doubted there was anyone blood related to Conan except Shinichi's biological parents.

Lazy detective Mouri had dumped this little Open House on the visiting Heiji, saying something about having a huge case. Ran had whispered when showing him to the school that actually Yoko Okino was going to be on, and Mouri didn't want to waste his time on some kid not his own. Not that Heiji cared. Any time to pick on Shinichi was a good time. So, he looked around the desk, only to find it sparse of all contents from the owner. Shinichi probably only used the desk as a good place to lay his head and sleep. "Are you substituting for Conan-kun's parents?" A feminine voice made him turn his head.

Conan's teacher was a pretty lady. Second Year Teacher, Morioka Sakura had just begun her teaching career or so Ran had said. Smiling, Heiji stood and bowed. "Mouri-san said he was busy and asked if I could come instead. I'm Hattori Heiji, a friend of Conan's."

Morioka smiled. "Though it's rather uncommon for a friend of the family to see the students, I can understand Conan-kun's case. I hope you have a wonderful time today, Hattori-san." She started off to talk to the next parent in more detail about their child. Leaning forward, Heiji held back a yawn. This school was very different from a normal elementary school being that the students didn't wear school uniforms. Also the walls were scattered with the children's artwork meaning they used this one classroom all year long. How...interesting. Heiji felt around Conan's desk, only to find the top could be lifted.

Inside was a crayon box, some paper, a notepad with the words _Don't touch_ (which Heiji planned to touch and read), a picture of Ran and Shinichi as well as one with Ran and a less than happy Conan, and one of many Sherlock Holmes novels. Plucking the notebook, Heiji opened it and waited for the first bell to ring. Just as quickly as he'd opened it he shut it. High school work. Heiji grunted. He was skipping school for this. There was no way in hell he was going to look at equations now.

"Hattori."

Turning, Heiji smiled. "Ku- Uh...Conan!" He grinned, catching himself before a strong foot slammed into his knee. "Interesting desk you have."

"I'm not a suspect. Stay out." Conan grumbled.

"But a detective should always know everything about his charge."

"Then leave." Conan grumbled before staring up front as the teacher started talking about all of them needing to introduce their family member. Conan's friends brought one of two of their parents. Ayumi brought her daddy who 'gave her hugs when she was upset', Genta brought his mother 'who made great eel', and Mitsuhiko introduced his mother 'who helped him with all his school work'. When Conan's turn came, Heiji couldn't hide his smile to hear what good things Conan would say about him.

The two boys stood in front of the large class of parents and students and Conan smirked up at Heiji. "This is Heiji-oniichan!" Conan said in a high pitch, childish voice full of excitement. "We play lots of games like detective where we both get all naked and I have to find the snake. When I find the snake it goes _squish squish_ and-" Heiji jumped the boy, clamping his hand over the child's mouth.

"He's lying!" He cried, his voice breaking into a shriek. "I'm a detective and I let him help on cases just like his Uncle _Mouri Kogoro_. That's where we met! I don't know where he gets some of the things he says, probably T.V.!" He cried out before rushing back to the seat. "Damn it Kudou!" He hissed to the little boy, nervous about all the eyes on him. He was never going to live that comment down. "What are you trying to do, get me in trouble?"

"Maybe." Conan looked away.

This was going to be a long day.

* * *

After explaining again himself to all the parents that Conan was probably just repeating something he'd heard on television or the like, Heiji situated himself against a tree with Conan at his side. "You little snot." He finally said. Conan gave a deep chuckle, showing that his comments earlier were just the start. "Why the hell are you being a brat, Kudou?"

"Weren't you the one who said you were going to be mischievous until Shinichi came around? Consider it fair trade for making me drunk before." The little boy started rolling up his pant leg before holding out a rope with a cunning smile. "Now let me see your ankle. They're having the three legged races."

Lips twitching, Heiji grabbed the rope to inspect it. "I'll tie it up, just in case you added itching powder or something."

"That's so immature, Hattori-kun." Conan chuckled.

Eyeing the boy, Heiji tied the rope firmly around both their ankles and stood up, dragging the boy with him as they were called to line up. He glanced down at the little boy that was stretching his limbs as they waited for the whistle to blow. What as the worse thing Shinichi could do without sabotaging the rope? The whistle sounded before Heiji made the connection of what Conan could do.

But it was too late as he fell forward from the sudden jerk of his right ankle not wanting to move. As his nose slammed into his hands trying to break his fall, he heard the sudden loud pitch cry distinctly Conan's. "I hate Heiji-niichan!" Glaring over his shoulder, Heiji forced his body up. _I hate him. I hate him._

"You little brat-!" He sprang back to grab the child.

"The snake! The snake!" Conan yelled back. Parents looked his way again and Heiji fell silent as Conan looked away.

"Oi! Oi! If you keep that up I'll be arrested! You should know this!"

"Why'd you open my book?"

"Maybe there would be something interesting in there? Come on, it's human nature to be curious about something that says not to touch." Heiji tore the rope from his and Conan's ankles as the little boy's friends rushed over to see them. Ayumi was the first to make it over, brushing her pretty pink dress with glee after winning the three legged race.

"Conan-kun, are you okay?"

"Yes, Heiji-niichan was just being a jerk." The little boy smiled cheekily. "So I had to punish him."

Glancing over, Ayumi frowned. "You ripped your jeans, Heiji-san." Heiji groaned as he realized that he had. His favorite pair too. Standing up, he started off the play yard, intent not to play anymore of these stupid games. That's when he noticed that two people were staring into the school yard from across the street at a small, outdoor cafe. Sitting up, Heiji analyzed them. Maybe they were foreigners? They didn't look very Japanese to say the least, probably two Americans. Or maybe it was two parents who didn't have clearance to see their child? No, he marked this one off. They weren't staring at just any child; they were watching Conan as the boy joined the relay race with the other children. Maybe he should-

"Hattori-san, is it true that you're the great teenage Detective of the West?"

Turning to the parent, Heiji couldn't hide the pride from his voice. "Yea."

"Maybe you can help me..." The woman took a seat, blocking his sight of the couple staring into the play field. As she spoke, her husband joined trying to discern her curiosity on what he did on Sunday evenings when he wasn't at home. This followed by other parents wanting to know about some of the cases he did. Quickly, he answered all the questions but when he was able to look over one of the women's shoulders he found the couple was gone and Conan's friends were out by the front gates talking.

That was all of Conan's friends except the little detective himself. Rising to his feet, Heiji rushed over to the kids. "Oi! Where did Conan go?" He had to keep his voice level as he stared down the streets for the couple.

Genta smiled. "He left with this nice lady who gave us candy! Said he had some things he needed to do."

"Conan tends to always do this, what if he found another case?" Mitsuhiko grumbled

"Ah! Conan would never leave and not tell us!" Ayumi defended hotly.

Rubbing his temple (and agreeing to the fact that he would never have kids), Heiji rushed out of the gate towards the last place he'd seen that suspicious couple. A waitress was already cleaning their seats. "Excuse me, ma'am!" He approached her with a bow, she smiled sweetly. Long, curled eyelashes flashed flirtatiously. "The couple that was sitting here, did they happen to say where they were going?"

The girl twirled a strand of hair with her finger. "Something about the mall – there's this really hot deal on European fashions. I'm going to go after work." She giggled. Heiji nodded, trying to look as though he cared before turning and walking off. Fist drawn in his pocket he glared ahead. The mall. Was that in the shopping district? He'd assume so, but he wasn't sure being he'd lived his whole life in Kyoto. But the real question is why would Conan wonder off with these two people? Were they suspects in one of Mouri's recent cases? Convicts? Or did treat him with knowledge about the black organization in return for his compliance?

Or worse: did the other three kids join Conan into picking on him and the dark haired boy was only hiding in the school bathroom?

"The mall…" He reasoned, rushing towards the shopping district.

* * *

"Two foreigners?" The sales clerk bent his head back. "Well…most westerners look foreign to me – do you know how many come into my store a day? Like a plague I tell you." He shook his head. Heiji rubbed his temples. "But a little Japanese boy with two foreigners – that I remember. Weirdest thing I'd ever seen. The, I guess, dad kept asking to carry the son but the little boy said he was too old to be carried. I suppose a lot of first graders are that way though. And the mother! She attacked my racks for clothes that could fit her son and he started screaming that he wasn't going to wear any of it. I asked them to quiet down or leave. Then the mother offered to buy her son ice cream. It took a bit but the offer for some books quieted him down a lot."

Heiji groaned. That was Shinichi all right. And those people were changing his clothes to hide who he was. "Did he leave with his glasses on?" He tried.

"After trying on everything in my store, I wasn't paying attention to his face. Left without that old uniform though, his mother asked for it to be destroyed or something." He reached under the counter and pulled up the discarded clothes. "I don't blame her for wanting to get rid of this outfit. I haven't seen this uniform since I was a kid – must have been the older brother's."

Heiji couldn't hide his nervous chuckle as he took the clothes. "Did they say anything besides the bookstore?"

"Uh. They were talking a lot about moving the kid to America." The man tried.

Peachy. Besides a bookstore that they might already be gone from, they were preparing to run. Maybe he could find more information! Running out of the store with a careless thanks thrown over his shoulder, Heiji set his eyes on the bookstore not even a hallway away. The clerk said nothing was out of the ordinary about it besides she'd never seen a child that was reading kanji. They'd bought a wide selection of mystery books that Shinichi had said he didn't own yet and left peacefully.

Where to Heiji didn't know for sure. What he did know what he was going to have to report to the Mouri's he'd lost his charge. It was rather embarrassing…

So as quickly as his tired legs could go, he made it back to the Sleeping Detectives office. By the time he'd arrived it was already four and he'd spent two hours searching. It wasn't official to state Conan was _kidnapped_ but it was the only way to call two strangers just coming and picking up a seventeen year old with little fuss. Throwing the door open he started, "Ran-san, I have to tell you-"

"Took you long enough." Conan's bored voice came from the sofa where he sat next to the two people he'd left the school with. Little legs kicking out, he happily thanked Ran for the cup of milk. "I thought I'd _lost_ you."

"What's wrong Heiji-san? Conan said you had an important call to take."

Narrowing his eyes, Heiji rubbed his head. He could always state what really happened but it looked bad that he took his eyes of Conan for a second. Ran was a pretty scary girl though… "Ah, hah! Yah, I had a phone call and I let Conan go on ahead…" He stared at the two, and Ran smiled.

"You haven't been properly introduced yet. This is Conan's mother and father…"

Heiji tuned out the rest as he glared at the smug looking Conan. He'd get his revenge, he swore. Revenge!


End file.
